My favorite story of friendship is the story of Shrek and Donkey. Two people from opposite ends of the spectrum come together for a noble cause and along the way they learn a lot about friendship.
Friendship is like an onion. Many times our friends can really stink and make us cry, but as layers are pulled back we find that the people around us make all of the difference in the world. But there are a few mistakes centered around vulnerability and unclear expectations, we can make in our friendships.
1. Becoming Too Vulnerable Too Soon
We all have “that friend.” The one that shares way too much too early in the friendship and when we are not ready to tell all emotionally, they wonder where they went wrong. Many times these friends are desperate for connection, but don’t have strong boundaries set up in their lives.
God speaks to this in Proverbs 4:23, “guard our heart because it is the wellspring of life.” Let me hit you with some truth (NSYNC reference): Everyone is not worthy to know about the deepest parts of the onion. It is ok to allow some people to only come so far. Many people can’t handle vulnerability and once “our stuff” is out there it can be used for our benefit or harm. Guarding your heart means being wise about who you let in and how far it goes.
2. Being Vulnerable with No One
Sadly, once we are burned by letting the wrong person(s) “in”, we decide to not be vulnerable with anyone. Instead of setting appropriate boundaries with people we build walls that reach to the heavens and no one will ever get over or around. We even take pride in our tall walls that protect us from deep emotional connection.
The problem is the behaviors we have with humanity overflows into our relationship with God. Jesus isn’t “leaping tall walls in a single bound.” No, he is standing at the door and he is knocking. He won’t kick the door down. He will wait for you to become vulnerable enough with him to open the door. If we aren’t vulnerable with the people who are closest to us then we will not be vulnerable with God. If we are to be transformed more into God’s image we must let God into the deepest part of our lives.
3. Unclear Expectations
When we lack vulnerability we are not likely to communicate what we want and need. Very rarely can we know what we truly need unless we open our lives to others. We assume that our friends know what we are thinking and what we want in a friendship even though we have never communicated our needs. Even with our best friends our unwillingness to open up creates frustration because so much is assumed. Friendships are strained because we are challenged to be strong enough, but the truth is we all need a friend to rely on. It’s unfair to our friends to not communicate the expectations of the relationship. If we simply assume we will always be let down.
4. Shutting Down Instead of Restarting
Since expectations are not clear, friends often hurt one another unintentionally. God asks us to guard our heart so that we will never enter the stage where we shut down. The best advice I ever received in a time of trial was “don’t let your heart become hard.” In painful experiences our natural tendency is to withdrawal and make sure we are not hurt again. We shut down, but there is another option.
Restarting. Reengaging in friendship builds a bridge to new opportunities. Building a bridge is very hard work; so hard that a disciple asked Jesus in Matthew 18:21-22, “How many times must I forgive (reengage) with my neighbor?” Jesus either said 77 times or 70 times 7 to show the importance of being willing to open ourselves up again. I hope that the 490th times you are hurt by life that you restart instead of shutdown.
So may you know that God knows every layer of our heart and longs to be our closest friend. As we open ourselves up to God we can learn to open ourselves up to others. We can learn to be a good friend and we can experience the joy of surrounding ourselves with people who know us and love us when we act like an ogre and even when act like a/an…